Last week, I held the first confidence workshop for my private FB group.
We talked about confidence stories, mindset, and tactics that would help you build your confidence muscle.
In today’s memo, I will walk you through some highlights and insights I shared at LivingOS University.
What Does Confidence Feel Like?
Have you noticed any resistance against feeling confident?
If so, you may have experienced some of the following social triggers:
Past rejections may make us feel embarrassed, but they actually do us a favor. They helped us understand our unique path in this world and build resilience towards greater things. Here is how I found my confidence.
Imposter syndrome comes from the perception that people are better than you. It is often coupled with social comparison, hedonic adaptation (your brain’s negative bias), and/or obsessions with being perfect.
The moderate route comes from Confucius’s “do everything in moderation” and is widely preached in the Asian culture. As a result, we are taught to deflect, and even deny, praise growing up. We even have a saying of “不謝” when people thank us.
Lacking track record is probably the worst trigger. It presents a paradox: How can you build a track record if you don’t have the confidence to start doing something today? If people ever question you, know that it’s a reflection of their own insecurity.
These social triggers chip away at our confidence and drive. Yet it doesn’t have to be this way. We should not be ashamed of achieving more or being more of ourselves. To get over the limiting beliefs, we first need to learn how to be assertive.
Pick Your Battle
The distinction comes down to whether you have the right to do something.
When you have no rights, your action is aggressive.
When you have the right, your action is assertive.
Of course, you don’t have to beat yourself to be assertive all the time. It’s perfectly fine to conserve your energy.
Here are the two questions that helped me pick the battle:
Does it matter?
What's the cost of doing (versus not doing)?
Core Confidence Mindset
Are you ready for an identity shift?
Here is the core confidence mindset:
No matter what happens, I’m going to be okay.
We are naturally risk-averse and forget the upside. Once we know that nothing could really destroy us, we can build our risk appetite and create our own playing field.
If you are still doubting yourself, get yourself a copy of Man’s Search for Meaning right now.
Real transformations come with consistent actions. Start with the little things today.
Here are some questions to get you started:
Can you help someone who remind you of your younger self today?
Can you start being proactive in relationships?
Can you tell your friends/partner what you really want?
Tim Ferriss recommended this challenge of Learn to Propose:
Stop asking for opinions and start proposing solutions. If you are asked “Where should we eat?” Offer a solution.
Instead of playing the back-and-forth game with “What do you think?”, say:
“Let’s try that new sushi place and then try something else if that doesn’t work.”
If you want to level up your game, I highly recommend Laura’s new book EDGE.
If you are interested in the book note I made for LivingOS University, hit reply and tell me about how your confidence challenge goes. 💚
New milestone: I hired an awesome team and am so grateful for every one of them (and this pretty website). Stay tuned for a formal introduction 💛
New workshop: This week, I am hosting a workshop on how to design your career. Let me know if you want an invite ❤️
Weekly Q&A: It turns out that wordpress.org’s form is not that reliable, so we put up an Airtabe form to capture your question. If you don’t mind, please (re) submit your question here 💙
See you next week,
Thank you for reading today’s gem! If you enjoy it and want to express your appreciation, please share this letter with your friends 💚
P.S. Next week, I plan to write a memo on career design, storytelling, or the curation business model. Let me know if you are interested in any one of them 😍