The Self-Aware Founder
It’s hard to achieve goals when you don’t even understand how you think.
Why is there often a disconnect between what people say and what they do, especially in startup land? I have interviewed hundreds of founders and hosted numerous community events over the past year, providing me with insight into their behavior in both private and public settings, from Silicon Valley to Minnesota. After all those conversations, I found a disconnect between what the founders said was important and how they actually spent their time.
Many founders said finding product-market fit was the highest priority. They spoke passionately about validating their core hypotheses before pushing for growth. I heard stories of startups doing hundreds of customer interviews, rapidly iterating products based on feedback, and obsessing over cohort retention rates.
But they quickly contradicted themselves. Instead of focusing on testing and iteration, they prioritized meeting new people (often not their target audience) and participating in startup programs (as if an additional badge could help them sell). When I asked them what they were optimizing for, they would repeat ‘product market fit’ and then ask, “By the way, do you know this investor?”
When founders fixate on vanity metrics like network and credentials, they waste their most precious resource: time. Startups succeed when they seize the right opportunity at the right time. But the time window is ephemeral. How long can they afford not to build their actual business?
Of course, building a network and raising capital is critical for any startup founder, so why don’t they explicitly admit these are their priorities? Rather than doing rigorous customer research or learning from experienced founders, they pursue social media hacks and learn through trial and error, instead of executing a research plan, which doesn’t have to take a long time. While the delayed gratification of research may feel like wasting time, methodical research actually saves a ton of time and money later on.
Some founders believe actions speak louder than research, or quantity is a form of quality. Perhaps they think an impressive investor update listing all the tactics they’ve tried instead of all the research they have done. Perhaps they’re building momentum to ship and train the market to expect better things from them. After all, taking action is what they are good at. They went through all the barriers to starting a company in the first place.
To save you from having to read between the lines, I’ve reduced the behavior of founders to three lenses:
What they say they want
What they actually want
What they actually need
Here are a few scenarios of how founders relate to these three lenses.
Scenario 1: True Alignment
The ideal scenario is when the answers to all three align. These founders know themselves well. It takes deep self-awareness to know what they need, be clear about what they want, and have the courage to say what they want. It also requires luck and strategic planning to pursue their goal.
Even though I knew what I wanted and shared my true desires with my close friends, it wasn’t until I began to work full-time on my startup that I aligned all of these elements.
Is this the best scenario? Not necessarily. It’s just the most straightforward. Some might find it boring, so let’s look at the next scenario.
Scenario 2: Partial Alignment
The second scenario is when founders know what they want but haven’t fully figured out if that can help them.
They may desire something because it looks good on their resume, or other founders are doing it. For example, many founders join accelerators without thinking through whether their idea is a fit for venture capital or even that particular accelerator. Since most of their friends go through an accelerator, it can’t be wrong, right?
Most people are unaware that what they need differs from what they want. How can they find this out?
Broaden their horizon
Discover new things
Try different approaches to their current goal
Ask other people how they figured out what they wanted
Travel to different places and experience new cultures
The key is to step outside of their current frame of reference. Shake things up a bit and get new perspectives. Don’t choose from existing options. What they need the most may not be attainable in their current situation.
As long as they are honest with themselves throughout the process, it’s okay not to have all the answers, despite what society tells them. It’s a journey of exploration; enjoy it.
Scenario 3: Masked Alignment
The third scenario is when they know what they want and need, but they can’t say it for some reason.
The belief that one can be successful is what keeps most founders going. This is despite the fact that Sam Altman admitted that his advice for startups doesn’t apply to everyone. Building a startup is hard. Perhaps a little illusion is not only helpful but essential.
Of course, there are other reasons why people tell themselves white lies. Some may be embarrassed to say they are building a startup just to get rich. Some may be unable to share that they are seven months pregnant because they fear getting fired or passed on to a less important project. Some may need to give up their dream job because there is a family emergency they need to take care of.
Being real is admirable, but sometimes people need an excuse to keep going. Black Mirror has an iconic scene in Nosedive where everyone is rating each other. The score determines what jobs, housing, and benefits they qualify for. The characters began to please each other so they could get higher scores. After watching the episode, many people concluded that the lesson is to be real and be yourself. However, even in Black Mirror, being real doesn’t guarantee a higher score. Being real or not being real is simply a choice — your choice.
The Anomaly
While the majority of the founders I interviewed could be seen through the lens above, a handful chose not to follow the crowd. Instead, they shared a first principle reasoning based on their unique experiences and bottlenecks.
After talking to investors, one founder told me that he decided to partner with an early-stage firm that had a strong hiring pipeline and provided year-long support. As a solo founder, he had initially sought support to get his startup off the ground. He needed assistance in recruiting engineers and designers. He didn’t want to go through a large accelerator because it’s hard to stand out on Demo Day. He also understood that three months was not enough time to get a startup going. What he wanted was more tight-knit, hands-on, long-term support.
What gave him the confidence to do something different? First, he had previously sold his startup to Coinbase and had an impressive investor network. But more importantly, he viewed validating his core startup research hypotheses as critical. He knew what he was good at (being a CEO), what he lacked (a strong founding team), and he methodically went about solving this problem with the right capital partner. He took the time to research all the options and pick the strategy that worked best for him.
The self-aware founder sets external validation aside and questions what they need the most — time, money, or human capital. They understand that every startup journey is unique, so they don’t copy others or even their success. They recognize the key to seizing opportunities lies in the strategic stillness of thought. Whether aligned, aspirational, or masked in the dichotomy of wants and needs, the self-aware founder actively shapes their becoming.